The first thing I remember is seeing a jacked up F-250 come flying over the median, and into my lane. It was like I’d suddenly entered the set of Fast and Furious, but lacking Vin Diesel’s mad driving skills he hit me head on. I can still hear the sickening crunch of metal, and feel the throb of pain of my foot on the brake broken by the impact. Injuries included a laceration on my forearm, a puncture wound, a concussion, a hematoma in my right knee (which is still a little numb to this day), and four hair-line fractures and a torn ligament in my right foot. If were in anything smaller than my F-150, I am fairly certain that I would have died. The accident took place on July 27, 2017, and so began the Lord’s call from my plan and into His.
(Above are the images of my truck the night of the accident, and the walking boot I used for nearly three months after)
I have often struggled to trust the Lord to give me His best. I’ve attempted to control my career path, relationship status, friendships, self-image, growth, and everything else under the sun to no avail. It’s been a pattern for quite some time, and often circumstances are the necessary evil to pry open my greedy little hands and remind me who I belong to, and that my life is not my own. I had this elaborate plan for my life in Springfield, and tried to muscle it into submission even while I literally hobbled on a knee scooter or crutches (It was truly as pathetic as it sounds). I struggled and failed so many times I lost count. I was livid with God for letting this happen to me, feeling that I deserved better as His “good and faithful servant”. I bottomed out eventually, and found myself drowning in a prison of depression and self-pity that I built for myself. BUT God was faithful, and unwilling to leave me to my own devices. After all, Jesus did not die so that I could find a cheap substitute for His extravagant love! He knew my heart in all of it, and that I was trying to find security and significance in myself or other tangible things outside of Him. After months of kicking and screaming, I surrendered to His will. Unclenching my fists I allowed the Lord to have the control piece by piece. The more I released, the more I began to feel the freedom His love and grace brings.
As the Lord restored my brokenness, I began to feel that I wasn’t supposed to put roots down here. So with open palms I started my search. In February I reached out to seek counsel from Fawn Brents, an old friend from Kansas City who is also very involved in a children’s rescue in Guatemala, and we set a date to speak on the phone. A couple of days later she made a peculiar Facebook post stating the need for someone with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at Casa de mi Padre per a recent mandate from the Guatemalan Government. Little did she know, I had just graduated from college with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology two months prior. Can you say divine intervention?! After weeks of prayer and seeking counsel, I accepted the commission to go.
So here I am, getting ready to move to a third-world country armed with only my Bachelor’s and what’s left of my Spanish 2 vocabulary from high school. You know what’s missing from my arsenal? ALL SENSE OF CONTROL (among many other things). Can I say that I feel adequately equipped for this? Nope. Not in the slightest. But was Moses equipped for his calling? Nope! The man questioned God at every turn, and yet the Lord was faithful and used him to bring all of the Israelites to the Promised Land. What about Gideon? Not even a teeny-bit! He was hiding in a wine cellar when the Lord called him, and then questioned God twice to make sure it was God (because one miracle isn’t enough). What about David? He was a kid with a bag of stones facing a literal giant. Abraham? He had no idea where he was going, but he went because God called. Esther? Ehud? I could go on. As far as called and unequipped folks go, I’m in dang good company. And so I hold fast to the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 as I pursue this new life.
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Please be praying for me as I prepare for this new and exciting adventure into the unknown! Specific requests include:
- My court case following my car accident is still in process. It would be ideal for the car insurance company to settle soon so I could pay off my medical bills before leaving the country!
- My current job here fills a vital role in a very small nonprofit. Please pray that the Lord will provide a replacement so that the organization will continue to function well and grow.
- I’d like to seek guidance from counselors and professionals in the field here in the states to help me implement a plan for therapy. Pray that the Lord connects me with the right people, and that I will have a teachable spirit.
- Please pray that I continue to relinquish control over to the Lord, and seek Him daily as I pursue His call on my life to the mission field.